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Enjoying Threesomes: a How-To Guide

If two is good, then three should be better, right? Does that logic also hold for intimate relationships? Jeffy Rhyder investigates.

Daryl Hannah and her two F-Bs on a Greek Isle, circa 1982

Some say that it’s every guy’s ultimate fantasy to have two women at the same time, but the trick is not to look at it as some amazingly unachievable feat. The key is just being level-headed about it. And also remember that it can be any combination of three people; two guys and girl, three of a kind or whatever floats your boat. And the number three is not some magical number; it can be four or five, however, strictly speaking, those could probably be classed as an orgy (an upcoming column, which I’m researching at the moment, incidentally). I’m going to stop right here for a moment because this could be considered a controversial topic, so if you feel offended, click away from this page now.

Sexual beings

Since you are still here, let’s get on with it. One clear fact of life is we are all sexual beings. Religious busybodies and staid traditionalists try to condemn us, judge us and tell us we are not sexual or should suppress that side of ourselves, which, ironically, is the way God created us all. To be honest, I’ve often wondered about some of the religious folks that denounce such behavior on one hand while officially condoning polygamy for millions of their male adherents to enjoy. Then again, I don’t have any of the details of the ins and outs (excuse the pun) of those relationships and whether there is ever more than just one of the wives involved in any of the bedroom activities. But I’ll save the religious-philosophical debates for someone else. The point of this article is not titillation. For that you can go to any number “adult” sources; this is more about responsible, smart choices and ways to enjoy “non-traditional” lovemaking. The idea of sexual threesomes, the ménage à trois, swinging, polygamy, “3P” (in Japanese youth slang) or whatever your preferred nomenclature happens to be, is, in fact, not in the least bit new or just a new fad reserved for the current generation of “modern” folks. Au contraire, the “tradition” goes way back to some very interesting people throughout history. Some known examples of famous people in history include Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire, the Duke of Devonshire and Lady Elizabeth Foster; Count Adolf Fredrik af Fulkila of Sweden, King Gustaf III and Queen Sophie Magdalena; the German intellectual Dorothea von Rodde-Schlözer, her husband Mattheus Rodde and the French philosopher Charles de Villers; poet Ezra Pound, his wife Dorothy Shakespear and his mistress, concert violinist Olga Rudge; and several other examples. Speculation is also rife that Queen of England Catherine Parr and her fourth husband Thomas Seymour were involved in a ménage à trois with the future Queen Elizabeth.

Pop culture threesomes

Recent films that revolved around threesome relationships included: Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008) starring Javier BardemPenélope CruzScarlett Johansson and Rebecca Hall, The Dreamers (2003) or Summer Lovers(1982).

And writers have not shied away from the threesome theme, particular references include Ernest Hemingway’s The Garden of Eden (1946) and Dylan Thomas’s Under Milk Wood. Additionally, French artist Édouard-Henri Avril (1843-1928) famously focused on sexual themes in his artwork, including multiple partners and threesomes of all types. Author Sadie Johnson recently put together a book called Three: The Art of the Ménage à Trois in 2007 and explains to readers the value of a “daisy chain” while calling threesomes the “holy grail of erotic experiences” as well as “one of the most popular fantasies of all time.”

Okay, fair enough, people have done it throughout history, but what is the accepted norm today? That largely depends on the society one is in, but more so the individuals involved. Ideally, the best threesome situation would be if there are no permanent relationships involved (however, that advice doesn’t exactly stack up against the aforementioned historical references). Nonetheless, from years of research, I have concluded that the best threesomes are those that involve three acquaintances who trust each other. There is this term I see nowadays where people talk about “f-word” buddies or “F-Buddy” (I will shorten it to F-B). Well, that’s the ideal situation because that usually means there isn’t a deep emotional attachment and any sort of permanence or long-term expectation from either person. So, in those situations, it would make it easy to bring in a third person to enjoy a bit of fun and fantasy. The good thing about it is that there really isn’t a nasty stigma about this sort of behavior … you are not going to get tossed in jail for it like you might for other forms of “deviant” sexual behavior. This, however, is about a choice between consenting adults and make no mistake, I too am a prude when it comes to adult consent issues, some things, like non-adults, are just off limits. Anyway, the point is the best combination is between three trusting, consenting acquaintances.

Scarlett Johansson, Javier Bardem and Penélope Cruz engage in some foreplay

Timing is key

The pitfalls can come in a variety of ways, particularly with one individual feeling left out. That is when it’s time to cut it off. If it’s something you want to pursue again with other partners, there will be others out there who are keen. Again, being that it’s not entirely a stigma issue, you can pretty much freely ask people if they are interested in doing it. A typical conversation might be like this. Say you are at a bar or a party with your F-B and you start flirting with some other single woman. Introduce your new friend to your F-B and check the new woman’s reaction. If she gets all offended and jealous and competitive, it’s a good chance she’s not going to be keen to share in a threesome. If she’s cool and is friendly to your F-B, then it’s a good time to ask, maybe after one or two dances and drinks, if she’s into threesomes and would she like to join. The worst thing she could say is no. Now, if you don’t want to be that blunt and want to test the waters a bit more, ask if she’s seen the movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona and what she thought about it, then go from there. Eventually, you’ll find someone that is cool with the idea. Now then, what about safety? It’s no different than any other sexual relationship, you always, and I mean always, need to remain vigilant when it comes to your health and the health of your partners. That may mean all three people going through a battery of tests before anything gets “consummated.” What about the actual in-the-bedroom techniques? Well, this is actually the easiest part. The first thing that you, as the guy (I’m assuming readers of DA MAN are guys), have to do is be able to endure longer, because you now have twice the number of people to satisfy and twice the excitement level to contend with. This is about practice and some people have told me that certain blue pills can help in this area. Anyway, once you have that fully under control, then it’s game on, but you always need to remember to give equal attention at all times no matter what you are doing—for example, one part of your body might be over here with one woman, then another part should be with the other person. Also, you’d do well to invest in a book similar to the one referred to above by Sadie Johnson, which details dozens of the positions, with illustrations. The bottom line is: be safe, respect everyone and have fun. DA

From the DA MAN October/November 2010 issue (for back issues, contact us here.)

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